I’m rather reluctant to criticise the BBC knowing that the corporate vultures are forever circling, eager to tear the old lady to pieces. Murdoch’s empire would like nothing better than to see the Beeb unravel, all the better for it to get its claws into the rotting carcass and increase its already considerable share of the media market. Vultures indeed. But to be honest, the golden age of the BBC is well and truly over, and what remains is a sad residue of lack-lustre dramas and dumbed down soaps, most of which seems to be a bland amalgam of Dr Who, Casualty, East Enders and Spooks. The dialogue and acting is wooden, the actors and plots seamlessly interchangeable, and the emotional range limited and cliched. And the least said about the directing the better.

It seems a lifetime ago since Dennis Potter, Alan Bennett and Harold Pinter were free to explore the frontiers of the human condition, and save the odd provocative contribution from Ken Loach, Jimmy McGovern and Mike Leigh, the rest is pretty sorry stuff. The Danes and the Yanks are miles ahead of the game. Just get hold of the box set of ‘In Treatment’, ‘The Wire’ or ‘Borgen’ to get a reminder of how good television can be. The last time I can recall BBC Drama pushing the boundaries was with gems like ‘This Life’, ‘A Very British Coup’ and ‘Our Friends from the North’, but they are probably more than two decades old now. ‘I Claudius’ and ‘Boys From the Blackstuff’ seem a lifetime ago. Now we just have mindless soaps of varying descriptions. It’s bloody depressing.

And then there is the BBC news. Ironically, Newsnight, the so called jewel in the crown, has come in for some sustained criticism of late. Paxman and others warned their bosses that endless cutbacks would be highly detrimental to serious investigative journalism but they wouldn’t listen. Now the chickens have come home to roost. But just how good is the BBC News Department? Pretty tame in my opinion. Just take the latest Israeli aggression into Gaza. Mountains of superficial reportage but barely a mention of the on-going illegal Israeli settlement programme and not a single mention of the inconvenient fact that Israel was constructed on Palestinian land and that a process of ethnic cleansing bordering on genocide took place against the Palestinian people and is continuing unabated to this day. Channel Four has been far more assertive on these crucial back stories including the production of the challenging drama, ‘The Promise’. The BBC lamely tows the government line simply calling for both sides to call a truce, as if both sides are equally culpable for the violence.

The BBC has been equally servile on the question of Ireland over the years, again parroting the government line that the Irish Republicans are either criminals or terrorists. Where has been the investigative journalism regarding the shoot to kill policy of successive British Governments. Where has been the journalistic enquiry into the collusion between loyalist fascist groups and successive British Governments? Where has been the exposure of Britain’s illegal and immoral policy of internment without trial?

And that brings us neatly to Iraq and Afghanistan. Once again the BBC becomes the cheer leader for post-imperial Britain. Tony Blair gets off virtually unscathed. British complicity in illegal rendition and torture hardly gets a mention. Secret drone attacks on Afghan civilian targets have been airbrushed out of the popular consciousness. In place of the sordid world of illegal wars, torture and shady international arms deals comes Strictly Come Dancing. There is perhaps a place for light, escapist entertainment but not at the expense of serious probing journalism.
There is a clear case for serious criticism of BBC, but not so much for its sloppy editorial management, which can happen to the best of outfits, but rather for its servile culture of self-censorship. It is in this context that I argue that the BBC is not fit for purpose.

Finally, the programming strategy of the BBC is inept. With six channels to play with, what we get is an unholy hotchpotch of everything including the kitchen sink but little in the way of a rationally structured viewing plan. That may be to the preference of some, but to me it just comes across as amateurish. Why not allocate each channel a specific remit i.e. BBC News, BBC Sport, BBC Drama, BBC Arts, BBC Kids and BBC Light. BskyB has been doing this for years to good effect. Under the current regime it is quite possible that good programmes could pass you by simply by the chaotic nature of the scheduling.

If they care to pay me a sizable one off payment into one of my many off-shore accounts, I will willingly help them get their house into order starting with the immediate axing of BBC Breakfast. If anything typifies the bland dumbed down culture of the BBC it is this. Two gormless presenters, reading from their auto-cues, pretending to be intellectually and emotionally engaged with subjects they clearly know or care nothing about. They only time they become truly animated is when some equally hapless wannabe celebrity waltzes into the studio.

Second on my hit-list would be the BBC News Channel. Here, we long suffering licence payers are presented with the shallowest of news headlines repeated ad-infinitum every ten minutes. The weather forecasts have more depth to them than the news! I would scrap all this froth immediately and replace it with serious documentaries from around the world with the latest headlines presented just once each hour on the hour. Easy to navigate day or night. Panorama has a respectable history and its budget should be increased ten-fold so it could truly become the eyes and ears of the globe. The money saved from BBC Breakfast could go a long way to achieving this aim.

Thirdly, all sport would be lumped together in one channel with a much bigger emphasis on amateur and grassroots sports, including a massive injection of resources for the filming of women’s events. I would do a deal with the FA and televise the Women’s Football League. Women’s football during the Olympic Games proved to be an unexpected winner and would be a welcome antidote to our current obsession with the Premier League. John Terry and Co have had more than their share of the limelight. Similarly, other less publicised sport like athletics, hockey, badminton and ping pong would all have their chance to promote their premier wares on what is after all a publically funded national broadcaster.

I could go on indefinitely, but until I receive that significant one off payment, I refuse to divulge any more of my master plan. I expect to be contacted shortly.