Pick up a bat if you see it
Have a quick game if you feel it
Take on the world if you dare it
If the ball comes your way then just ping it

If you’re feeling anxious and alienated just ping it
If you’re saddened by the state of the world just swing it
If you feel your youth slipping away then just wing it
Because Ping England’s in town so just sing and be in it.

Ping at the park and Ping at the school
Ping in the office up to 11 as a rule
Ping on your way home with your bat as your tool
Play with your mates or any old fool.

You can be thinking about Sartre while you’re pinging it
You can debate the merits of Marx while you’re swinging it
You can be extolling the finer points of feminism while you’re ponging it
And you can explore the dialectics of the universe while you’re dinging it.

In Birmingham and Bristol you can bish bash it
You can take in the sea air in Brighton while you ding dash it
In the post-industrial heartlands of northern England you can mish mash it
And in the wheeling-dealing City of London you can crisp crash it

You can plan the rest of your life while you’re pinging it
You can rue your missed chances and opportunities while you’re swinging it
You can curse the world and its cruelties while you’re dinging it
And you can marvel at the absurdity of it all while you’re winging it

While you’re thinking of marriage you can block it
While you’re having adulterous thoughts you can plock it
While you’re contemplating divorce you can flip flop it
But as for the pleasures of ping – you can’t stop it

Ping England won’t cost you a penny or cent
It feels so damn enjoyable it feels heaven sent
It’s so totally absorbing the day will just went
And if you’re feeling pent up you can ping it and vent.

Have your breakfast in the morning and then chow chop it
Eat your lunch at midday then pow pop it
Take an afternoon nap then wow wop it
And after your evening meal just high hop it.

If you’re tortured by your dreams then ching chang it
If you’re plagued by insomnia then low wang it
If you’re wracked by guilt and remorse then cling clang it
And if you’re just fed up with life then bing bang it

If you’re a Europhobe Brexiteer then zing zang it
If you’re Europhile remainer then pong pang it
If you’re an atheist unbeliever then ker-chang it
And if you’re just out for a laugh then just wide wang it

If you’re travelling overseas don’t forget to wiff waff it
If you’re migrating to a safe-haven don’t forget to quif quaf it
If you’re just dreaming of better days you can always chif chaf it
But if you’re contemplating holy Jihad you can bloody well zif-zaf it

You can always listen to Bobby Dylan while you ping it
You might like to listen to Amy Weinhouse while you swing it
Perhaps you might care for a touch of Cosi Fan Tutti while you ding it
Or you could replay your old Clash records while you zing it.

You can dispense with your carefully proscribed medication while you’re swanking it
You can put on hold all those illegal substances while you’re planking it
You can lay off the booze and amphetamines while you’re tanking it
Because you’ll get an unbelievable high while you’re spanking it.

Whatever your political persuasion you can pong ping it
Whatever your religious affiliation you can clong cling it
Whatever your sexual orientation just dong ding it
And whatever your physical adaptation you can most definitely enjoy it.

You’ll feel like the queen of the castle when you ping it
You’ll feel like a master of the universe when you swing it
You’ll feel better than the bloke down the road when you zing it
Because you’ll have a philosophy for life when you ping pong it.

There’ll be no bureaucracy to frustrate you while you’re ping pinging it
There’ll be no plutocracy to oppress you while you’re top spinning it
There’ll be no autocrat to lord it over you while you’re chip chopping it
And there’ll be no tax inspector to harass you while you’re tip tapping it.

You can seek the Bhudda or the holy prophets while you’re swish swoshing it
You can study Richard Dawkins or Stephen Hawking while you’re criss crossing it
You can unravel the mysteries of quantum physics while you’re flip flopping it
And you can seek solace in a quiet walk after a day of whip whacking it.

Ping is like poetry, you have to know how to compose it
Ping is like driving, but you have to know how to steer it
Ping is like maths, you have to add and subtract it
Ping is like life, you have to know how to survive it

Ping is for pleasure so rejoice and take part in it
It’s good for the soul if you have your whole heart in it.
You can skip, hop or jump – while you’re playing you can dance to it
It’s your philosophy for life so you better look after it.